I definitely needed a pep talk this last week. So I took a break for a couple of days, which ended up costing me a fortune because my “breaks” seem to always end up with me having time to online shop. I know no boundaries when it comes to “treat yourself.”
I’ve had a lot of health issues amplify recently. Having connective tissue disease and refusing to take medication somehow empowers me. Other times, I feel like it cripples me and I almost give in. Sometimes I wonder why I just don’t? It’s always been an issue between my husband and I. He can’t stand to see me in pain and I can’t stand when he brings up taking the medication. I know it’s just him feeling helpless, but medication is just a touchy subject for me. My arteries and nerves have been causing me a lot of pain recently and if I’m honest, it can sometimes make me feel REALLY BAD about myself. I’m the self-care queen. I have a hard time finding balance with work but only because I love my work. It’s my passion. If I’m not with clients, I’m either tending to my family or deep into researching. It’s hard to shut it off. Other than that, I consider myself someone who takes care of my health. Sometimes that’s not good enough, apparently.
I take my client’s service very personally. It has to be perfect and effective. Here’s a secret: I almost always get “anxiety” before each client. It feels like anxiety but mostly it’s excitement. But I question, “is my floor shiny enough, does it smell perfect, does the water fountain have an even drip, is this the type of music they will like? Is the room temperature ok?” I drive myself crazy. And then in walks my client, and it all goes away. I’m finally in my comfort zone and ready to do what I do best. Does anyone else experience this? Please let me know!
Lately, because my hands and feet are just doing what they please, I fear my hands will give out during the massage. It’s something I’m so so so insecure about already. I’m always amazed when clients praise my massage because I can’t do half of the moves I once used to. I’ve had to adapt to the changes happening in my body. This week, it was really intense. Though I know most of my clients are continuing to see me for the results I deliver, and relaxation is just a bonus, I can’t accept anything less than the treatments I would personally expect to have.
I was really feeling down about it though no one would know. Once I start talking about skin, I don’t feel the pain. Isn’t that WEIRD?? I am in my zone. My happy place. My passion for skin and skincare has saved me since I was 11 years old. It’s always been my escape and my way of numbing myself. I feel like I turn into someone else when I’m working. It brings me joy, happiness, and it’s a release for me. But this week was REALLY a struggle. And then a client said something that I’ve heard several times (and I honestly LAUGH EVERY SINGLE TIME). She said she thought I was intimidating when she first met me because I’m such a powerful woman. Have you ever had water come out of your nose because you laugh so hard unexpectedly while drinking water? Yup, that happened and it burned like hell. I’ve heard this multiple times during my adult life. And if you really know me, you would know I am FAR from intimidating and don’t necessarily consider myself “powerful.”
A couple of days later, when I had a flare up, I almost felt sorry for myself. And I remembered her words. What made her think that? I’m not powerful. Or am I?
Why must we always downplay our strengths? Why must we always dim our lights to feel “relatable”?
I never use the word, “powerful” when I think of myself. I do always use the word, “CAPABLE.” I have always felt capable. I know for a fact I can learn anything when I want to. I can figure anything out. I always make things happen when I want it done. I went to my grandfather a few days before he passed away and asked for advice and he said, “ah, you’ll figure it out.” SERIOUSLY?!? He’s THE person I go to for advice every time and that’s all I got? I asked my husband and his reply was, “I don’t know, but you always figure it out.” Thanks A LOT! That didn’t help me at all. But guess what? I DID figure it out. That’s when I realized my grandfather already knew this. He always figured it out, that’s why I always went to him. His passing was a clear indication that it was now going to be ME who always figured it out. I started to ponder this after he passed. Do you know how SCARY and INSECURE I felt, having my go-to person leave this earth? The more I thought about it, the more panic I felt. Though last year was a painful, painful time for me, I looked at my vision board in September and realized that I had actually accomplished everything I put on my board in January, including getting the house I had pinned on my board (which to me was impossible and only up there for inspiration.) So maybe my grandpa and my husband were on to something, regardless if that’s what I wanted to hear or not. So though, I don’t necessarily consider myself a “powerful” individual, I am more than capable of figuring anything out and accomplishing anything I want. I hope YOU believe the same. I remember years ago my priorities were much different than they are now and I used to obsess with being a certain weight, my body being a perfect hourglass, and my muscle mass a certain percentage. Now, I feel comfortable being me, at my imperfect size because I KNOW if I wanted to look like a supermodel, I would. It’s almost comforting to realize that. We always want what we can’t have, but when we know we CAN have it, it’s much less appealing. When I focus on something, I get it done. It just has to matter to me.
So what am I doing to end my self-pity? I’m focusing on adapting to the changes with my body. Some of the problems I won’t be able to reverse, but I can manage it in other ways. I’m cutting out days I work on clients and will work from home instead so that my hands have the rest they need to give my clients the best service possible. I’m creating a space at home to solely focus on correcting the pain and setting my intent for good health. I’ve researched the heck out of my health conditions and have started doing the things necessary to continue to work. For a second, the little girl in me wanted to crawl in the corner and cry because my work is my life and the thought of it ending due to physical incapabilities scared the you know what out of me. But again, I remembered that I DO FIGURE EVERYTHING OUT. And my career is FAR FROM OVER. It’s actually just beginning. But fear and self-pity don’t belong here.
Have you ever had “that friend” that constantly needed reassurance and needed you to tell him/her how wonderful they are, how perfect they looked, etc? It’s exhausting! I was doing that to myself! I can’t be around people like that and yet I was becoming that person in my mind. Sometimes we have to drop the insecurity and self doubt and take action instead. Is it not working for me? Then I need to shut up and figure it out… EVOLVE OR REPEAT.
I’ll work on actually feeling the “powerful” persona I somehow give off, and I hope you do too! I hope you know being POWERFUL IS A CHOICE. You’re ALREADY CAPABLE.
If we keep telling ourselves the same sad story, we’ll start living the same sad small life. The only thing that stops us from being who we are MEANT to be and doing the things we are capable of doing, is the BS story we keep telling ourselves. Don’t believe the thoughts you tell yourself, that doesn’t come from God. God doesn’t make mistakes and everyone loves a good come back story. Start on yours and I’ll start on mine 🙂